• The C Word

    Well, I put it off for a while- writing this blog, that is. I just needed space to make sure everything was going to stick. It did, so here we are.

    Not too long ago I came to a point in my training in which I wasn’t confident (notice the first C word here) that I could do this any longer. I just wasn’t sure I could ever rise to the expectations I had created for myself, that I envisioned my teachers had for me. Would I continue to train and simply not progress- and be happy with that? Should I just bow out now? I spent an entire night (as a start) questioning myself, and the following C words is what I came up with. I hope this inspires others on the path to explore, trust and break through:

    -Change. I realize I need to change as a person if I am going to continue on this path. My vision has to continue to become bigger. Wait-am I in the middle of a change?

    -Challenge. I am at a point in my training that I have challenges (self imposed or real- it’s all the same) and I just don’t know if I can ever be “that good”.

    -Confused. The challenge is leading to confused. I see my training friends excited and I am going down a rabbit hole of doubt. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME????

    -Creed. The student creed is breaking down for me from the top. I believe in myself is crumbling. What if this is a good as I can be?

    -Cry. Well, here comes the crying. Literally all night-until there just aren’t any more tears.

    -Clarity (a little). I know in my bones the techniques work- but can I work it?

    -Community. So I reach out to my community and share my very personal experience. I draw on their support and strength. To what end, I am unsure of,but I am glad I have a ninja shoulder to lean on.

    -Choice. So here it is. Time to have a “come to Jesus talk” with myself as my friend says. I remember in my notes I heard at a seminar there are two motivators to train- command and comradery. I want to use those things to create the life I want. Hmmmm, something is happening here…….

    -Commitment. So now it’s time to take a big cleansing breathe and make a new commitment. Still with a little bit of fear, but am I willing to commit to whatever comes next on this path, even if I don’t always reach my personal expectations? It’s time to you know what or get off the pot……

    -Compassion. So I decide to have new compassion for myself. Give myself space on this journey to not be perfect. To not “get it” at any pace relative to anyone else. To hold myself accountable, and still give myself a break once in a while. I feel a bit of my freedom coming back to me.

    And here I am, a good month or so after this breakdown (or break through) happened. Still training. Still questioning, growing, laughing,loving my community and looking back while I gaze forward. Here’s to where ever the journey takes me next. To-Shin.